Unappreciated: John Waters

John Waters

 

It started with a man I barely remember loaning me an unmarked VHS tape in 1988. It hasn't ended yet.

 

My relationship with John Waters is lengthy, intense and insanely personal. I've established pen-pal relationships with many of his key players, I've studied each film line by line. I've read every word ever written about him. I've seen every documentary. My love for John Waters knows no boundaries, which is why this list gave me such grief...such grief...

I couldn't trim this down to a top five. There are only twelve. My task was to place those twelve into a list, counting down to one that I considered my favorite. Number one was easy - it was the other eleven that were impossible. I believe many of John Waters' ravenous fans will agree with me, however; his films are ranked in the following order.

 

12) "CECIL B. DEMENTED" (2000): This just didn't cut it for me. I've watched it and watched it and I've tried so hard - but this is the weakest entry to the Waters canon. The concept was something he was fascinated with all the way back to Shock Value as he wrote about guerrilla filmmakers numerous times - and I believe this was the filmed execution of this, but when you put it beside some of his classics it simply pales in comparison. Melanie Griffith...no. Steven Dorff...just, no. I could do without this one but I still consider it mandatory viewing solely based on who directed it. Honorable mention category here. Let's move on to something a little more sticky...

 

 

 

11) "A DIRTY SHAME" (2004): Now this - albeit a flimsy JW film - made me cackle. The sexual one-liners alone make this a worthy contender and should have placed higher. I fought with this one but somewhere in this it feels like JW is simply plodding along. The thrill is gone. It's hilarious, it's vulgar, it's crude, it's almost even shocking in certain places - it just doesn't have the razzle dazzle of the classics. I realize comparing everything with his earlier stuff makes me biased. That's the cost of being a Waters fan. Sometimes life just has its ups and downs. This one is just "eh" for me. Two stars.

 

 

 

10) "HAIRSPRAY" (1988): You better be glad I love you, John Waters. If Divine wasn't in this - I'd hate it so hard. I'd hate it even more because it was adapted into a musical and then hate it twice as bad because that was turned into a movie but there is no excusing John Travolta stepping into Divine's shoes. I'm sorry. Hairspray was John's attempt to make a dance film. Despite popular opinion, this was not intended to be a musical (the next one in the list was). As a "dance film" or a spoof of one - it holds up beautifully. Divine in his final role - nails it, naturally. I love him in this. He's the size of a refrigerator and still hilarious as hell. Deborah Harry and Sonny Bono are equally fun in cameo roles. I'm especially fond of Mink in this one. It's worth viewing after you've seen the top five. Three stars if I'm drunk enough.

 

 

 

9) "CRY-BABY" (1990): Cry Baby, wop ah doowah doowah! Cry Baby, cryin' all the time! Wah Wah Wah Wahhhhhhh. The theme song is fixed eternally in my head. So much to love in this one, it's hard to begin. Let's start with Hatchet Face - God bless that woman for taking this role. She's earth shatteringly beautiful and I'd have just as willingly watched her eat a plate of noodles for 90 minutes. Topping this one are some amazing cameos from Polly Bergen, Susan Tyrell and Iggy Pop. Traci Lords (who only a year later would be partying with yours truly in Charlotte while on the set of her latest TV venture Bandit) does an amazing job as a slutty teen. Imagine that, huh? This is a great movie. It's kind of where someone who doesn't really enjoy filth or vulgarity can appreciate John Waters' humor without getting slapped upside the head with it. My Mom likes this one. Pink Flamingos - not so much.

 

 

 

8) "PECKER" (1998): Chrissy fisting sugar into her mouth - completes me. Edward Furlong should be in more of John's films. This was a valiant attempt to renew his filmmaking industry - it just didn't work out. Pecker has every single element of a classic JW comedy - just without the singing asshole. Toned down for the late 90's sensibilities - he dances on the razor's edge with this movie. There is a close up of a pubic area - so I guess that's something. The grandmother is epic. The whole family is epic. Everything about Pecker should have worked, but I don't think many people saw it and/or it gets overshadowed by some of his more typical fare. The trimmed down version that comes on Comedy Central is mostly what people know...which is so sad. They miss some of the funniest lines. This is a classic that came too late. Had he made this for one million LESS dollars - it would have been perfect.

 

 

 

7) "MONDO TRASHO" (1969): I really liked this. Despite the fact that it's about as entertaining as watching a silent student film about sucking on toes ... oh wait, that's exactly what this is. Mary Vivian Pearce is radiant in John Water's first film. With a budget of pennies - John and his posse of delinquent pothead friends set out into Baltimore to create film history. It's nearly impossible to find these days - the last release being on raggedy VHS, this is the only JW film not to make the transfer to DVD. Oh, hush - I'm talking legitimate releases, not that bootleg crap. This is NOT perfect JW. This is raw, rough, unpolished work. The seed of his genius is there and beautifully visible - he was just hindered by the budget and lack of faith. The passion is evident. The joy on the faces of the actors is infectious...like herpes.

 

6) "PINK FLAMINGOS" (1972): Yes, yes. I know. It's the ultimate John Waters movie - so why is it number six? Because ... I'm burned out on it. This was the movie on the unmarked VHS I borrowed (stole) from that man back in the late 80's. This is the film that started everything. Never in my life (or yours...or anyone's) had I ever seen anything like this. What the hell is it? It's funnier than anything ever created - it's filthy, it's disgusting, it's so vulgar you can't really share it with anyone close to you, it's shocking, it's upsetting - and that's exactly why it's famous. The first real "midnight movie," Pink Flamingos is what sealed JW as a legend. He's been trying to get out of the shadow of this classic ever since. All his other films are held against this one - but as a rampant fan of his work, I can honestly say - this is not where he reached his peak. You can fight me if you want. I'll even come outside without a shirt on ... but I'll never say this is John Waters' best film. It's close. The script is as funny as anything. Edie's performance is landmark...worthy of tattooing on your body. Every scene is going to be permanently burned into your consciousness ... but it's not his best. Now, let's fight!

 

 

5) "MULTIPLE MANIACS" (1970): The rosary job. The stations of the cross. The circus of the freaks. Toe suckers! Actual queers! This movie - is the "first" JW movie. Forget Mondo Trasho - in Multiple Maniacs, we get sound!!! That's a big deal, ok? Filmed in his parent's yard - this movie is a slam dunk. Overlook the quality of the film and just let yourself be whisked away. This is where a genius was truly born. This is chapter one - Mondo Trasho being just a preface. I can't love this anymore or it would be illegal in most states. I'm drooling just thinking about this...I have to move on to the next film for my own emotional well-being...Lobstora...

 

 

 

 

4) "SERIAL MOM" (1994): I don't care who disagrees with me - this was Kathleen Turner at her greatest. How many iconic scenes can YOU name? Death by Annie? Fire poker liver? C*cksucker residence? Daybreak! I love every second of this movie. This is JW with his old-school caustic wit and a respectable budget, a cast worth its weight in marijuana and a killer script. I ranked Serial Mom among the ultimates because ... to me, it is. This is a fantastic representation of what's to love about John Water's films. He's not flexing buttholes at the camera - but he may as well be. He's clearly at home in his niche and owning it in Serial Mom. Patty Hearst is sublime in this one. How dare she wear those shoes?

 

 

 

3) "POLYESTER" (1981): Francine. Cuddles. Bobo. Jesus Christ, yes! Every single second of this movie should be dipped in bronze. Edith Massey delivers her greatest moments as Cuddles. This is mandatory, inescapable viewing. Especially if you have an Odor-Rama card ... you just have to experience this once in your life. Tab Hunter. Divine. Edith Massey. Mink Stole. Everyone is here, healthy-ish and deliver one of the greatest comedies of the 80s. Please see this. Please? Don't watch that censored crap they play on Comedy Central. You'll thank me.

 

 

 

2) "FEMALE TROUBLE" (1974): The movie to end all movies. John Waters prime. There are very few films in the history of American cinema that are AS funny as this. Nothing is funnier. If you want to see the die-hard spirit of an independent filmmaker, his close knit group of friends act out one of John Waters' greatest scripts - this is it. There is only one film made by the Waters' crew that is better than this - but costume-wise, nothing surpasses what Edith Massey is cinched into. I've owned this movie since the dusty days of Betamax. If my entire house caught on fire and I had to start my collection over from scratch - this would come in the first box from Amazon. It's core. Essential. A decent human being can't live without this movie. I'm convinced of that fact. The sign of good taste means owning a copy of Female Trouble or...

 

 

 

1) "DESPERATE LIVING" (1977): If I were forced to make a list of the top five best movies ever made - this would be dead center, possibly even number two. You won't understand unless it's already infected you - but once it does...Desperate Living is the greatest of all John Waters' films. If I tried to explain, I would turn to the screenplay. That leads me to want to select lines as examples - which is thus...impossible. Every...single...line, is funniness at it's apex. The opening monologue is one of the greatest things ever written. Queen Carlotta - possibly the best character known to man. To live your life and not see this - is embarrassing for you. Mole McHenry. Muffy StJacques. GRIZELDA BROWN, y'all...you cannot stop the force of this movie. It's Silver Streak of inappropriate humor. I've seen this so many times I could recite it - and it remains funny every single time. Nothing holds up better than this. Mortville...the backstory/making-of facts...it's just the ultimate movie experience. I have been blessed to see this one time in an actual theater - wet my pants and had to feign a drink spillage...that's how awesome this damn movie is. The saga of Peggy Gravel is the greatest thing put to celluloid. If you ever defame it - I will slap you with a skillet.

 

 

 

No commentary on the art of Waters would be complete without a nod toward the core players that aided him in creating such an amazing body of work. One of the factors that made his films as great as they were to me - was the familiarity of the cast. I grew to consider these people friends - some, I even exchanged Christmas cards with...these are truly beloved figures in my life and I consider each of them family:

 

MARY-VIVIAN PEARCE - MVP has appeared in EVERY John Waters film. Friends since childhood, she's the sweetest of the Waters' Dreamlanders.

MINK STOLE - In EVERY single JW film, this incredible woman is still very active. She has a band, she's taking roles like crazy - she looks a lot like Mom but is wayyyyy more spunky. I love every little thing about Mink.

DAVID LOCHARY - One of the original Dreamlanders, he would have been in EVERY film but he died. In four of Waters' earliest films, it's a real tragedy he wasn't able to go onto fill roles in some of the later movies. You have to wonder what parts would have been written in had DL not passed away in such an untimely fashion.

EDITH MASSEY - There is very little on this earth I love more than I love Edith Massey. I actually fell in love. I can't really communicate a rational explanation, if you know her - you know. All you have to do is say Edie - and I start shrieking. Queen Carlotta, Cuddles, Edie The Egg Lady...I just can't express how much I love her. She was in five of Waters' best films. She was why they were the best.

DIVINE ("Harris Glenn Milstead") - note where I put those quotation marks. That's right. This man IS divine. He was the key featured player in all of Waters' films. Best friends since birth - he was the catalyst that inspired and drove the Dreamland machine...and then he passed away. Probably the most successful of the Waters crew, Divine was in six.

SUSAN LOWE - Most dear to me for playing Mole McHenry in Desperate Living, Ms. Lowe has played in ten of JW's films. She's been around since the earliest days. God bless this woman.

SUSAN WALSH - original Dreamlander, Susan Walsh is so damn funny. I don't know if its that accent or the way she delivers it - this woman rocks. She was in the first four films.

COOKIE MUELLER - I swear to God, I live for Cookie. My favorite performance would be as Flipper from Desperate Living, but she was exemplary in Pink Flamingos as well. Cookie was in five JW films.

CHANNING WILROY - Uncle Chan! First appeared in Pink Flamingos, he also shows up in the last JW film. I love this man's accent. He has been in six Waters films.